Alright, another blog, another post.
About 25.
My frontal lobe truly did its thing. Or did I just wake up?
Let’s Get Into It
Going back to the basics
I’ve said this before, 25 is a love letter to your childhood. Actually, the whole 20s is. If you play the cards well, you’re dealt a better strategy each year.
“You’re young go buck wild!”
“Date any and everybody!”
“Be a …”
That’s what that sounds like, because in reality, if you’re working, focusing on hobbies, spending family time, you can’t maintain a roster.
A roster was something I had when I was bored and had an opportunity.
Now? Give me the one man who’s about me, and I am about him.
That’s bettering your mindset and protecting your body
At this age, your body is forever changing. I’ve had four or five different shapes for the last couple of years.
Too thick, too hippy, too skinny, thick again. Then too skinny, and now we’re here.
As my body changes, so does my mindset. It all goes together, and respectfully, I see myself as a woman of great power.
Meaning I can’t let just any man get a taste of the power. He has to be a specific man, and I can’t allow myself to share my power with anybody while I am with the specific man.
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Did I learn anything
That’s growth.
When you look at the past, you say, “At 23, why did I find that acceptable?”
It wasn’t.
Throwing myself into the dating scene, dating apps, trying to find the “one”. I didn’t even know what I desired in a man besides, “Let’s go here, let’s go there, let’s hang out over ice cream.”
My first coffee shop date wasn’t horrible, but his breath was stinky.
You live, and you learn. Maybe it wasn’t my dating season.
Going back to the script
This isn’t a drag session of the questionable dates I went on.
It’s an eye-opener that while you may think you need a “partner,” you may need to learn a new language.
A better term to define what you actually desire.
Chan desires a lover
I don’t want a business partner, respectfully.
Yes, we can talk about my business when I am unsure and need guidance, but we don’t have to run the business together.
Be my voice of reason, my voice of peace. Provide me with compassion.
A lot of times, we think we want someone to be a part of everything we do, but better efforts are when they’re adjacent. They’re providing moral and emotional support. Not hands-on.
Because when business has its hard moments, I need you right next to me, not failing with me.
But that’s not what this is about.
At 25, I stopped people pleasing
I let go. I let go of so much, including friendships, connections, conversations, and even organizations.
I truly stopped trying to be a part of everything and allowing any and everybody in my life.
You get tired of trying to hear yourself but it’s too noisy.
I felt like that.
The connections I had were pretty good while they lasted, but I needed a break from the noise. I desired more clarity in my life, and it truly began with what I entertained.
Not everything was adding value; some of it was taking more than adding.
I woke up.
And boy did it get quiet
My life is very quiet. You would think I went ghost.
It’s so quiet.
But it’s peaceful.
I think it took too many nights being annoyed at the club, and ordering $13 drinks with a tip.
Or too many, “Wow, I love this” comments on Instagram to realize, “I actually don’t love this.”
I stopped trying to be everyone’s friend, their safe space, and made a safe space for myself, and I love it.
The disconnection added so much connection to me.
And it’s beautiful.
Quiet, but peaceful.
If it disrespects my peace
It has no room in my life.
Jobs, opportunities, people, men, anything.
I no longer desire to fit in; I never did. I no longer desire to be friends because of “history”, no. I no longer desire to fake like I want to be a part because of how it looks. No, thank you.
That’s what 25 has brought on me.
Some would say, is that just being antisocial? Are you too alone now?
No, because I know that God is bringing me something else. He doesn’t remove without bringing you what you really need. He knows who’s going to be around for the long run and what was just a season.
And that’s power.
And I let God be my copilot. Removing, adding, removing, adding, and guiding.
With love,
C.Alilijah