It’s Friday, around lunchtime.
I got some pretty crappy news this morning. Transparency, or allude to my dilemma?
Born to shop, forced to work!
I sometimes get aggravated about it because I should know better. I could easily be that primetime news journalist. I could.
But maybe I truly love being that small business owner with debt from credit card bills and random student loans that are tanking my credit score.
Right when I am not finna buy a house, my credit score drops.
And of course my husband, who has not made it to the altar yet, is stuck in traffic.
What is 26
I’m buying $7 coffee and tipping a $1 to make it an $8 thrill.
That’s the earlier part of my day.
I am planning to hang out with my homegirl later, and people-watch at the bar and wear sexy chic costumes because it’s Halloween weekend.
Discover probably needs to have a conference call with me, but they can wait until Monday because the virtual assistant has already stressed me out enough.
She’s the reason I left the Biggby parking lot on 9 Mile and drove to Dessert Oasis on Hilton.
Am I being passive, foolish, or do I believe in me
Cause why is 26-year-old Chan dealing with the consequences of what 18- to 24-year-old Chan did?
Thank God she didn’t create a whole human, but girl, you were spending like crazy.
You were acting crazy, and now your 26-year-old self has to deal with the consequences.
My phone calls used to be from interviewers; now it’s, “Hey, you have this upcoming payment”.
The coffee tastes so good right now
It’s this rich blend of caramel and cinnamon, dusted on top. The most classic latte you’ll ever find. Not too sweet, just right.
That’s how I feel about me. I am such a dime.
I should be married by now.
And I know what you’re thinking: how did we get here?
How did we come to this conclusion?
bECAuse
Not only am I 26 and dealing with the debt from that one girl who loved a good trip to Five Below, Michaels, TJ Maxx, or Walmart… she’s also had to heal from men she never should have been with!
The girl was a trip.
I can say she was always fly, though, but come on, baby Chan…
26-year-old Chan really needs to buy this mobile camper for 6:23, and you got us in something not too big, not too unmanageable, but it definitely takes patience, and I honestly am still trying to define that last bit.
How can I define it
Maybe I should apply to a job at The New Yorker or become a freelance writer for exposure.
Maybe I should submit this post to them for a little bit of clout.
Get my name back out there.
But it’s out there.
It’s out there for 6:23.
I am the Junk Journal girl.
Maybe I could design a flyer. I nEED to design the November flyer. We’re finally doing a Saturday date.
Maybe I could make a flyer to promote I am the Junk Journal girl; come connect with us. It’s not even on my website! Yikes.
Maybe that’s one step I can take.
I mean, it is on the blog.
As I sit today
A peace came over me. I am okay, and it almost brought tears to my eyes.
I am glad I left Biggby’s parking lot.
I didn’t get good news this morning; well, I did wake up to my paycheck. That was still a blessing.
26-year-old Chandra woke up to a debt that younger Chan caused.
And she didn’t cause it on purpose; she didn’t know. The goal now is: how can 26-year-old Chan grow from it?
I feel smarter, lighter, and more equipped to get the job done.
My mindset is upgraded.
Yeah, I did cry.
I cried a lot. Well, not this morning.
Instead, I went to the bathroom and laughed in the mirror because it’s still FriYay, and I still got money to buy myself an $8 coffee, and I finally got a friend to hang out with on Fridays because y’all know I love a good Friday vibe.
And I am not going to let the uncontrollable control my destiny because a hard moment isn’t a defining moment; it’s just a roadblock or a bump on the journey that can be solved and improved.
It’s a sentence in a paragraph that’s just a part of a chapter that doesn’t summarize the entire book.
Do you know your power
I could’ve sat and cried all morning about it. I could’ve been upset and unsure about it.
I could’ve lost my mind and beat up my pillow.
Tossed a couple of clothes around.
But instead, I got dressed up, fluffed my hair, and grabbed one of my cutest bags.
Put my patent leather shiny platforms on and breathed.
I told myself this isn’t a defining moment.
It’s just a score.
One that’s not pressing right now.
I am not about to buy a house.
Or move out anytime soon. I want to, but it’s nice knowing I have a cushion for a temporary situation that’s not permanent.
I told my coworker yesterday that if everything else fails, I could become a girl gamer. Klarna the new GTA and buy my little cousin’s Xbox, and boom.
Who wouldn’t want to watch the new GTA being played by a girl? A pretty one at that.
That’s a seasonal thing, ya know.
Mom, I am rich
It’s true.
In spirit, attitude, power, and strength.
I could beg my mom for a $100 loan today, and she would give it to me. I could ask kindly, and she would.
This time, I don’t want to ask.
I want to handle it.
Well, I want God to handle it.
I am letting him handle it.
I could let go.
I could lose myself.
I could break down and lose my sanity.
But that’s not what I am choosing.
Still choosing to live
Rather, it’s an $8 coffee or an hour scrolling TikTok, sending videos to my friends; I have to live.
I don’t think younger Chan was living; she was surviving.
Which isn’t horrible.
It’s not.
But her survival mentality left her in debt with no plan of action.
I gotta stop trying to rewrite that chapter and chalk it up as what it is…
You were just a college student
It’s easy to say that.
But then it’s like…
Well, why didn’t my college get me that stable corporate job?
But then you remember..
Well, some of those jobs weren’t my ideal places. I was just placed there.
It’s becoming a bore
Talking about the past is a bore.
I would’ve kept scrolling if this was a video.
It’s not worth being discussed.
I can’t keep thinking about what happened in college, what happened in 2023-2024. I have to focus on November 2026.
It’s October 30.
Coffee shop thoughts,
C.Alilijah