Every woman should have confidence- let’s start there.
This isn’t a rant about me being super single; it’s more so a rant about why my singleness is a choice.
Why am I single at 25, despite being HOT:
I can’t date just anybody
There will be many men who may resemble the man I desire, but I know the man Chandra desires is not anybody.
Why?
I know him.
Okay… Chandra. Get to the point! How do you know this man? What does he look like?
I don’t know what he looks like physically, but I know that the man I have prayed for, written down the qualities for, and studied is not just any man because the man for me is identifiable and doesn’t come with uncertainty.
When you write down what you want in a partner, ask that he be identifiable in little things, how he handles women in his family, elders, and how he treats children.
Is he mean to animals?
Some partners you encounter will have all positive qualities, beautiful looks, but they will have one thing that could tick you off, and you can’t ignore. If you can’t ignore it, it’s not for you. Never force it for compromise.
Morality vs trends
I am not a trendy girl. Meaning, I don’t care about showing up as someone I am not to fit the masses.
I have standards, and I can confidently say that.
My standards may not be Louis Vuitton bags and Rolex watches, but they are – you’re not going to lie to me and break my trust, and I am going to forgive you every time for a material gain.
Society pushes this agenda that in dating, you are going to have ups and downs, and you should accept them – NO.
Stop accepting the bare minimum because Little Suzie said she’s okay with Little Pepper cheating on them and giving her a car in return. That’s not love TO ME.
Heavy emphasis on “TO ME” because that’s a dealbreaker that I have set in my life that I am not dealing with.
While some can accept that, I will not. That’s what separates morality and trends.
Some people believe they have to show more skin to get affection and attention because they see social media girlies gaining attention and popularity by being sexy or dressing provocatively.
As a young woman, I will always stand on this – you have to have standards, and you have to think, does this fit my morals or am I doing this because it’s trendy?
I know Chandra
Truly understanding and loving Chandra has been a catalyst in my adult dating life. Knowing myself, knowing what I want has led me not to lead on what I don’t.
Meaning if I know I desire a man who’s strong in his words, his cadence, his actions – I am not going to entertain the man who’s not!
I’ve learned that truly learning what you like and want from a partner takes time, reflection, and, sadly, trial and error.
However, the reward is amazing! (So I say, despite not being with Mr.Him yet) I know that in my waiting and prepping season, the man for me is making his way.
He’s preparing himself just like Chandra is preparing herself!
Of course, with the Most High doing the groundwork.
I don’t take others’ dating advice to heart
While I believe in girl talk and discussing men and relationships, my friends’ or family’s relationship goals and standards aren’t mine.
Which is completely okay.
That doesn’t make them bad people.
I am not going to force myself to agree with their opinions because it’s completely okay for us to have different dating styles and preferences.
We should have different dating styles and preferences because we’re not the same people!
What one person may tolerate may not be what I am going to, and that’s my personal choice.
When you’re in a cycle of singleness, it’s best to develop your own opinion of dating.
Do not base relationships on what you see on social media.
Do not base relationships on what Little Suzie said about marriage being stupid.
Everyone has their own opinion, and it’s powerful to own your opinion!
I don’t entertain men, I don’t like
AT ALL.
It’s not fair to me, but overall, it’s not fair to them.
A woman with intention doesn’t date the man to say she’s gotta man. Nor does the man with good intentions.
Dating should be fun, and it should be with someone you like – not the person you’re unsure about because of a title.
I am not saying – I have a checklist of things I mark off, “nope, not him” but I emphasize that if a man doesn’t have the quality, the sound, the touch, the look I crave – he’s not the one for me.
When you know what you are looking for, talk to God about him; you don’t settle for the counterfeit. You let God guide you and this person to one.
This is a God- led blog, we will always highlight that without God, we wouldn’t be able to do the things we do! He’s our Lord and Savior.
I don’t want men to like me just for my looks
I know that I am pretty and pretty talented; I can write, I can bake, and I am a true creative at heart.
When it comes to connecting with individuals, I want them to also know and understand, despite the looks and titles, there’s a deeper level to Chandra.
There’s a side that’s ready to love, be a girlfriend, that’s eventually a wife and a mom. I’m not afraid to express that to the right man.
Looks fade, we won’t always have the cute nose or perfect shape. I desire my partner to get to know me beneath the surface.
I want him to know that, despite what “social media Chandra” looks like – she’s a real human being.
Plus, I believe that a good partner will do that anyway because they wanna KNOW YOU. The real you, not the glammed-up YOU, but YOU, because they want you.
Dating hasn’t been fun, BUT it was my fault
If you asked me this question last year, I would’ve blamed my crappy dating life on the men I entertained.
While both parties played a part, I, Chandra, didn’t know my true goals and aspirations in dating.
I knew I wanted to be the girlfriend who baked yummy desserts for my partner, or brought them cute novelty items, and made them playlists, but I didn’t give myself a chance to actually go beyond that because dating is not just cute stuff.
It took months to decide what my dating life should look like and what I was tolerating.
Basically, I went back to my drawing board, reflected on my previous endeavors, and told myself, you didn’t know your own dating language. You had these nice, cute ideas, but you didn’t have standards and a structure of what a boyfriend looks like to you, and vice versa.
It doesn’t happen overnight.
Coming to that realization took time; it took a lot of self-awareness and realizing that I was contributing to my lack of successful dating because my own goals weren’t clear.
It goes back, though, to the main point: “You have to know you,” so you can avoid placing yourself in situations that are not you.
I have to date people who like themselves
There’s not much to unpack with this one because it’s self-explanatory.
I am a firm believer that you should be in a good mindset, at peace, when opening yourself up to dating.
Insecurities cannot rule the relationship, because they destroy it.
I am not rushing something that I want to last for a long time
Forever sounds too much right now. But know that I want something safe, it’s careful and not rushed.
Rushed love can be fun when you’re young in love and just dating, but the high ends so quickly when you’re older and realizing, “This person doesn’t know what they want still, despite us spending so much time together?”
We spent so much time together, but you don’t know that you like me. Don’t know my favorite candy? No new date in the last few months? Weeks? Did I let you get too comfortable with me?
Breathe, babes.
It’s okay. We’ve been there before.
Every human should have standards in dating
A lot of times, dating can look like, “oh, we’re just having fun,” but when it starts to cost you peace, your sense of yourself, and your sanity – that’s a problem.
Society says he needs to bring you flowers and send good morning texts, but there is so much more than that! It’s soooo much! So much more, and I believe that it’s okay to set your own.
Some women like the coffee shop date, I like the coffee shop date as an initial. I don’t feel comfortable eating a full meal on my first date. Who’s going to pay? I don’t like strangers paying for my meals, now if he insists, sure, but I know my first ideal date is not over dinner. That’s a preference, I have.
I would rather go out for coffee, talk, have a conversation, and not worry about food flying everywhere, and maybe then let’s do an activity, like bowling. Plan a few hours out to chat.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I could dislike fine dining dates because I’ve never experienced one that made me totally want a second one with a guy, well, once, but then I got so awkward and wanted it to end. I did go back for a second, but then I felt overwhelmed, and I carried the conversation the whole time.
I want the man now who has stories to tell, not the man who’s under the influence at the dinner table, and just staring at me, just babbling. I want him to be interested in our conversation, make conversation, and tell me something interesting. Entice me, lead the conversations.
Is that too much?
No, it’s not because over time, I’ve learned that if a man truly wants to make a good impression, knows what he truly wants, the first initial steps are going to be soooo intentional. Very intentional, very intentional, very well planned, and I won’t have to feel like I forced him to do this for me. I forced him to care, to take me out, no, he has decided, “I like this woman, and I want to show her how I like her.”
That’s setting standards in relationships, it’s knowing what you like and what you don’t, and being able to identify what is not.
It’s truly powerful, and you have to know you at the end of the day.
Yeah, so I am single
It’s not because I can’t keep a man or just so focused on myself, that I can’t maintain a relationship. It’s because I know what I want and I don’t.
I know the man God has for me is identifiable; he’s not someone I will meet who feels unsure, and I am like, “Is this him?” and I think twice because while he may be saying all the fine things, he’s actually the counterfeit.
What is the counterfeit?
In my opinion, before God shows you “the one,” he presents you with a few counterfeits. They can be very kind, very sweet, and say all of the right things. All of the right things.
But, it’s something off. You may feel overly nervous around them, and it’s almost too weird. Like, you’re truly uncomfortable, but you think he’s giving you butterflies when, in actuality, he’s disrupting your nervous system.
Or you find yourself having a nice time, but then little things happen, like you hold his hand and you’re bleeding. It’s specs of blood on you, and you’re like, “Where did this come from?” We’re just taking a walk in the woods.
The counterfeit is just right, but something’s not right. It’s almost too good to be true, and a lot of times, the red flag is the moment you connected. Did it feel right? Did it feel promising? Or did you just jump into something to avoid loneliness?
Young women specifically, because I was that woman. Be careful, young men, too.
The counterfeit is a tough one, everything feels so right, but something ain’t right. It gets blinder the deeper you get in with this person.
You forget that this wasn’t someone you were truly supposed to go that in-depth with. Now you’re heartbroken and wondering, “What was this?”, “Did they like me at all?”
When in actuality, you never liked them at all, and that’s the problem. You fell for the counterfeit, and now you’re confused.
It’s honestly less about the heartbreak and more about the avoidable pain
It’s okay.
We’ve all been there, but let’s stop going there.
I am single for a reason, and no, I don’t think all men cheat or are dogs. I am single because I know the one for me is careful and intentional.
Until God brings him to me
When it’s time, it will feel natural. I won’t have to do too much or find myself trying to force a Chandra that doesn’t exist.
I’ll be talkative, funny, making jokes, and not afraid to sound quirky. I’ll show up as my fashionable self, not afraid of judgment. I’ll be present and feel ready to take on this journey because my nervous system will be regulated.
Will I be a bit shy, sure, because when I meet anyone new, I’m a bit shy, but I’ll be ready.
Ready as in, “Hey, you kinda seem familiar, and I love it.”
See you soon.
With love,
C.Alilijah