Drowsy morning. Cold weather and fake warmth.
Yeah, every day doesn’t feel like production. Every day doesn’t feel like you neeed to do this step because you gotta make sure it get done because everybody counting on you to get it done.
Sometimes the only person who needs it to get it done is you.
But it’s okay to also rest.
Our rest feels crucial. It feels like, “I definitely should’ve went to bed on time. I definitely should’ve woke up at 8:45 instead of 8:50. If only I actually got up.
Society screams that you gotta be always on the go. Always on the move because if you’re not, you’re behind. Someone goin take your spot.
How dare she try to do it like me? Do she know how long I worked for this?
Nah. That ain’t it.
What is even the spot you’re fighting for?
Did you know that the company is losing money and finna announce a bunch of layoffs? Anyway.
Or did you know that they needed that hire because they needed a lil bit more chocolate in the room? This ain’t about retail.
What we rushing for? It’s somebody doing 75, zooming in and out of traffic, trying to make it to that building.
That ain’t going nowhere.
Your “spot” girly pop, ain’t going nowhere.
So, take your time.
Because you gotta arrive in one piece.
One’s peace.
A season that screams, “Wow, I am glad I ain’t rushing this.” I mean, I did stay up many nights, but I started telling myself, let’s call it night around 9 o’clock.
I mean, I did cut everybody off, and now my circle kinda light, but I see the light because sometimes you can’t hear you, you can’t focus on you, when everybody is clouding the view.
It’s just me and my solitude.
We still cool, but I just need a break from you to focus on mute.
When I get back to me, I can get back to you and we can kick it like how we used to.
It ain’t personal.
You “fake” black girl. You think you better than me?
You den called off those meetings, removed me, but we cool?
Yeah.
We are. Seriously.
It ain’t got nothing to do with you, so don’t take it so deep. Just let me find me, or better yet, let me find peace.
And maybe it ain’t got you written in it, but dan,g why does that sound so weird?
To find peace, I gotta let you go?
Were you ever the piece I ever really needed?
Because if letting you go made me feel better, then why should I ever ….
This ain’t about that. It ain’t about you.
Hey girly, you got this. It’s okay.
Finding your peace shouldn’t be this complicated. Finding your peace shouldn’t be a “F you!” It should be a “Thank you, before I rock you.”
If you catch my drift, because I am tired of yo ish.
That ain’t professionalism.
You’re too mouthy, you’re too bold.
Oh, I am sorry, I don’t uphold the mold.
Did you see it anyway? They laying folks off.
Who fitted the mold?
So now why?
What do you do when the mold ain’t working no moe?
See what I mean? Always a game with deez folks.
I laugh.
Thank God that ain’t work out. None of it.
That block was personal, that dream wasn’t too far, but woo I am glad I ain’t get that notice today.
Do you see what I mean?
Girl. They want you to conform. Be intelligent.
Yes, be intelligent.
But control you.
Keep you in that cycle. That web.
That system.
Thank you for that NO. I laughed because I ain’t want to work there anyway. I saw the marketing team and then “the help”.
Ooh, baby, that’s too close for comfort.
I talk too much. I can’t be controlled.
So, where does that leave me?
Good interview feels like a win. But it’s too bold, too clear to win.
That’s too easy.
Resume stacked without my master’s.
How’d you do that? THAT ENDS HERE.
I guess adding your company would make it almost three pages.
*checks undone nails*
Exactly.
To you, that’s fraud, but to me, it means I am working hard.
These words flow through my fingertips as I sit on Coyle waiting for my next thought.
But I can say, I shole made it anyway.
So, Black girl.
What ya waiting for?
That couch calling your name, that sexy book, or better yet library needs your attention.
But ugh, do I really gotta save that too?
Play the game. Get that knowledge for free, up your skills, and do it without the degree.
Because once you see, did I really need that degree?
It changes for me.
I went to school for that, but I am really actually good at math.
But they trap you into one thing, leaving you to be.
Then tell you no when you did it with ease.
SHE CAN’T BE THAT GOOD.
Do you see?
So, girl, get your peace.
You deserve a day where you just lay, maybe even play a bit. Turn on some Beyoncé and sashay the night away.
Go buy that cheap wine and make you one of those cheese boards and chop it up with your girls.
The real ones. You know who you feel safe with.
Who ain’t waiting to go back and tell?
Cause ain’t nothing to share.
The ones who know, this isn’t fair, but imma get my share my way.
Just the other day, I sat and did nothing and felt like I wasted 10 years, but then I had to remember.
I been working for 10 years.
I am 25.
The grind don’t stop. Soon as junior year hits, you’d better be on your p’s and q’s..
What party? Party?
I got 5 assignments due, a project, and an essay. It’s about 500 words, easy. Stuff.
Get to college, “Can you write 500 words?”
I mean, you went to a neighborhood school, and you from the city, so. Just checking.
Write me my check already.
Ahh, you did it again bLaCk GiRl.
Too bold. Too mouthy.
I can’t help that I was raised by my grandma with southern roots and a momma with an attitude because she so independent.
She’s so kind, though. Hard as ice, but really a sweet lady. Just don’t try her, she might bite ya.
You know.
What were you saying again?
I was too busy making sure my hair and outfit looked nice. Can’t look any kind of way nowadays.
Oh, my look bothers you?
I wish I had a… let me stop. I still want to be ineligible for further advances.
Just a tad bit if this writing shift doesn’t work out.
The bills gotta get paid, and they hate when Y-O-U late.
Blowing up my phone every day, can you leave me the tf alone?
I paid.
Sending letters to my house.
Girl, I paid.
Go away.
I wonder do they ever feel the same.
I am just trying to make a way. Be the difference my little cousins see every day.
But how can I, when they keep getting in my way or stopping me from making a way?
“Work harder”
Girl, my finger is bleeding. I cut myself today.
By accident, trying to make a way.
Trying to do that organization thing. You know the corporate ting. Yes, ting.
Don’t bring up corporate to me. I am tired of that word.
It’s the reason I am in this shape anyway.
Unpaid and paid minimum wage.
I show up on time every day. I need that pay.
Very talented, so I don’t let any time go to waste.
But sheesh, when is it going to be my day?
Pray. Pray. Pray.
I did!
I shut the book down so hard last night and just cried my way to sleep.
Sike.
I actually wiped those tears and said, “Girl, do you want bags under yo eyes when you wake up?”
That changed the game, and God pulled me closer and said, “It ain’t that bad, now I den told you that’s it’s coming, but you need to have patience. If you know I got you, why you stressing anyway?”
I went to bed peacefully that night.
And I made it on time.
Few minutes early actually, because my God is always on time.
So Black girl,
Dry them tears. Drop that pen.
Drop that mission to always be on go 24/7 and ask God for that reminder of, “It’s okay .”
You’re going to get there anyway.
Not by that man, not by that car, but by the man himself.
I still feel unsure.
Girl, me too.
But, I ain’t worried.
I know my journey is beyond just my material gain or my possessions.
It’s in my destiny to succeed. As a vessel of the Lord.
It’s yours as well.
Girl, get some rest, find your peace, and move with grace.
See ya later,
C.Alilijah